Erase this
by kessilover
Summary: Promises are easily made and they can be easily broken. He broke all the promises he made to her. She hated him for it. But she hated herself more...for she was the reason that had happened. Mergana AU.


_**Obligatory disclaimer**_ : Merlin and all associated creative properties belong to BBC. I don't claim any said property as my own, and I make no monetary profit from this fan-made story. All creative property not associated with said channel belong to me, and their use is limited to my express permission. Thank you.

As usual, not edited, please point out the mistakes for me to fix.

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 **Chapter 1 : The journey ahead of us**

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 _Not gonna let this day go by_  
 _I'm gonna save this wasted life_  
 _And nothing can stand in my way_  
 _Not enough to say goodbye_

 _-Erase this by Evanescence-_

* * *

She was destructive.

She sought to destroy everything around her. At some point in her life, that had been her mission and she had succeeded.

In a way, she had destroyed herself and she had destroyed him.

Ultimately, she had destroyed them.

* * *

That had happened a long time ago.

Three years to be exact but the pain still felt fresh.

Things had changed though.

Now, she had a kingdom to rule, a crown upon her head and an army at her command. But he wasn't by her side. She doubt that he'd even agree to rule next to her.

There weren't a lot of things that she regretted but if she were to be honest with herself, she regretted him. Not her involvement with him. No, not that. Never that.

Yet, she did regret the way that she had treated him. The way she had played with his emotions. The way she had used him.

Movements to her left lured her attention downward. The corners of her lips curved up into a small smile that appeared warm but quite obviously sad.

"Good morning," She greeted, running her hand through the slightly long curls of the toddler.

The latter simply yawned and snuggled closer. He wrapped his small little fingers around her wrist catching the hand that was on his head and pushed it away before he lifted his head up to place it on Morgana's lap. "Good morning, mama." His eyelashes fluttered shut again. He was going to fall once more and as much as she wished to let him rest, a long journey awaited them. Exhaustion would surely find him and he'd be napping shortly after the beginning of their trip.

"Wake up my dear," she shook him gently. But that proved fruitless. "Come on." She urged.

He crooked one eye open. She had wanted him to have his father's eyes but as he had grew older, the color changed and it had became clear that he had inherited hers. She had been disappointed at first. Then she had assumed it had been for the best. "No, let me sleep." The toddler told her groggily.

Yes, it was a good thing that he had inherited something from her, he was already showing signs of having Merlin's quite charming personality.

Morgana shook her head and stopped herself rolling her eyes. "Do you not remember where we are going today?"

"Yes."

The evident lack of excitement on her son's face was enough to send her over the edge. She had been trying her very best to keep her emotions at bay ever since waking up that morning. Her eyes stung with tears and she reached for her son, pulling him closer to her. He protested and grunted. His whining fell on deaf ears.

She placed him on her lap and Morgana hooked a finger under his chin. He had no choice but to look at her.

Her voice wavered as she spoke, "You will be seeing your father today, are you not happy?"

Again, her son exhibited indifference to what should have been great news. Yet, she supposed such a reaction is to be expected. After all, her son had no understanding of the true meaning of having a father. He never knew his. He had never seen him.

So the concept was foreign to him. But she knew, deep down she knew that his guilelessness would not last forever. As years went by, he'd wonder about his father, he'd ask about him and demand an explanation for his absence.

The sole purpose of this trip was to help with that. In a way, she supposed that she needed it as well.

It was a chance for her son to see Merlin...maybe not talk to him but at least he'd learn why he didn't have a father living with him and loving him. Moreover, it was chance for her to face for the first time in three years the consequences of her actions. Actions that had caused a child to lose his parent long before his birth. She'd carry the weight of that guilt with her until her dying day.

His response was to shrug, "I guess."

Morgana sighed again. She wrapped her arms around his small frame and drew him to her.

She found herself swallowing a lump in her throat whilst a single tear slid down her cheek, she sat there unable to utter a single word.

* * *

Just like she had expected, half way through their journey her son fell asleep. The jerking of the carriage seemed to have no affect on his slumber as he peacefully napped. Morgana looked down. A lock of dark hair fell over his forehead and she pushed it away with a gentle gesture.

The day that she had informed Merlin that had been expecting would forever be engraved in her mind. How could it not when she had witness right before her eyes as the look of absolute joy dissolve into one of sheer panic and fear.

It had taken him less than a second for him to realize the true gravity of the situation they had been in. Because whatever they had had...had been complicated to put it simply.

She'd like to think that the relationship was doomed form the very beginning. From the moment he had rescued her from the Serrum.

Merlin had been driven by guilt. He had felt responsible for what had happened to her. First with her capture and later with the torture inflicted upon her. He had taken it upon himself to help her get through it all. He had almost done it. But then she had gotten with child. She had feared the world her child would be born into. After what she had endure during that year of captivity she'd be damned if she could subject her child to it. And so, her plans to restore magic back had been once more set into motion.

Morgana shook her head, the memories of that time were rather overwhelming. She had been sitting on her bed, watching him come closer. Merlin had collapsed in front of her. He had burst into a wave of tears and shoved his face in her midsection, the sobs rocking his body. He had known after taking one look at her, he had known that she'd return to her old ways. Merlin, bless him, had tried everything to stop her.

Needless to say, he had failed.

Seeing him cry like thad had caused tears to pour down her face. She had hugged him tighter, promised him that nothing would ever change between them but they had been both aware how mistaken she'd been.

He'd proposed to her and she'd said no. And that had been the beginning of the end for them.

Morgana looked away from her son's face, finally deciding to stop thinking about the past and focus more on the future. She stared at the scenery outside as the carriage skipped through the road that led directly towards Camelot.

* * *

Arthur was waiting outside as they drew closer to the city's walls. He was surrounded by few of his knights. Slowly, the carriage came into a halt.

Morgana braced herself before descending. "Wait here." she told her son who looked confused for a moment but he still didn't ask where she'd be going.

"Arthur," Morgana said as a way of greeting. It had been a long time since they had last seen one another. Her gaze went up and down, assessing the changes in her brother.

Strangely, she found none.

Arthur seemed like he was doing the same to her and she doubted he'd come to the same conclusion as she had. Once he was done, he took a step forward, gesturing to his knights to stay put.

Morgana took that as a good sign. She had already ordered her own knights to stay with the carriage to keep her son safe in case something came up.

"You look like a queen." Arthur finally said.

She almost laughed but she simply ended up shaking her head as her brother's snide. Two years of not seeing her and that was the first thing he thought of saying.

Only Arthur would do that.

"Yeah, well..." Her own comeback was on the tip of her tongue when she noticed Arthur's gaze staring at something over her shoulder. Morgana slowly turned and she wasn't surprised to find the source of her brother's daze.

Her son.

"He looks like him." He whispered, sounding out of breath for someone who's been standing still for quite some time.

Her heart burst with pride as she watched her son looking back at them. He had had sneaked his head through the small window of the carriage. "He is his father's son."

There was a moment of absolute silence.

Frowning, Morgana span around to face Arthur once more only to find that the cheerful expression had disappeared.

A feeling and coldness and fear took hold of her.

Morgana failed to suppress a shiver that ran down her spine.

What if something had been to him?

"Is he-" She trailed off, her voice wavering as she found that couldn't utter that word.

Fortunately, Arthur shook his head and sense of relief washed over her body. Still, it didn't ease her mind for the same somber expression persisted on his face. "Has he gotten worse?"

Again, he shook his head and swallowed. "Quite the opposite, Morgana. He is awake."

Her first thought was : it is a miracle. For Merlin to awake from his deep and magical slumber on the same day his son had been set to meet him could only be described as a miracle. "Today?" She still asked to make sure.

"No," Arthur shocked her with that. "He's been getting well for few months now."

"Why..." Morgana struggled to find her words, "How could you not send for me when that happened?"

Months? Merlin had been fine for months and she hadn't been informed. She should have been by his side when he had first opened his eyes. He should have woken up to find both her and his son with him. "How dare you keep that from us?"

"Have you forgotten that it was because of you that he almost died." Arthur grunted, "You have-"

"It was not your decision to make." she interrupted him. She knew that she was the one to blame for what happened to Merlin, she didn't want Arthur reminding her of that as well.

"You're right, it is not my decision to make. But it was Merlin's."

"Wait," It took Morgana a moment to wrap her head around what he'd said. "Are you saying that he didn't want to see us."

Arthur sighed. He glanced briefly again at her son. "Merlin only wants to see him. But he doesn't want to see you."

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 **A/N:** _Hello from the other side. Sorry for not posting stories for a while. My muse left me but the love of mergana didn't . As a result I'm offering you this. So, this is a two-part story. The second half will uploaded in few days. I hope you'll stick around to read it._


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